


try me

by weisess



Category: Utsusemi ni Akari
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:32:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weisess/pseuds/weisess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a messy situation and a bunch of messy thoughts, all courtesy of hase koichi. half character sketch and half post-canon postulating. please review if you're LGBT.</p>
            </blockquote>





	try me

he’s saying i love you, but you’re in your head as he says it.

because the only version of sawa---poor, unsuspecting toru sawayama--that would say this lives in your head.

....uUuUUUUUUUughhhhhhhhhhhhhhghhaff... _FffFfFFfF **FfffFUCK! FUCK.**_

__

__

you take a deep breath, the long and shaky and rib-scraping kind, and lay your head down. the statistics instructor drones on about variables. even though you’ve already gotten the concepts long ago, you do still like to sit here in class instead of outside with the boys. no offence to them.

(they’re nice; a bit too into pachinko perhaps, and more than one of them had a history, all of which got erased by your long years of attending family-friend potlucks with them, playing outside, getting drunk for the first time off the rich kid’s dad’s wet bar in his rec room, all of that sappy shit).

but what you know would really scratch your itch right now is a smoke, to stretch your legs, get your mind off of oblivious hot people and the fact that you’re graduating soon and you still haven’t made a move yet, you pussy. blech.

'why did you have to go and say what you did at the public pool during golden week?' you think to yourself.

you close your hand, dangling under the desktop, and your left leg starts doing the thing, where you bounce it nonstop. you knew beforehand that it would all stop being fun the moment you showed your hand, but you showed it anyway. the sight of him in such little clothing had been a blistering thing that ruined you, bodily, much like the sun. you sigh.

clearly your brain's stopped processing a solution to any of it, skipping ahead to a fluffy domestic AU you didn't know you had been painting for yourself internally. at this stage of your oh-so-sweetly-nostalgic youthful springtime, you're confused (very rare) and complacent (very common), though, so maybe you can't be blamed for that. it's sad, really. and you're not a sad person.

'what do i do? i _just_ want to _have a laugh._ '

-30-

**Author's Note:**

> a bit of thinking: edited this because in the middle of one 1 of the worst funks of my life i rediscovered UnA + realized my fic was decently written and deserved some looking over. i really like tohru but to be honest he's sort of too much of an object to write about and, being that he's a homophobe stereotype, tohru is also much too little of a subject to even apply imagination to. i'm uncomfortable delving into the mindset of someone who's not the same ethnicity or sexuality or gender or more importantly age-group than me as well. ultimately i wrote this because i was fresh from the closet reading UnA the 1st time, and now, coming out again--not as gay, but as trans--brings the limits of the 4 protagonists of Kurayami+Utsusemi itself into sharp relief mainly because, beautiful art+symbolism notwithstanding, it's all so... simplistic. you feel like you're dying as sayawama but not living as koichi. i wanted to address that because i was reeling from sawayama's POV reflecting my own toxic mindsets as a closeted kid. HYKW succeeds in a lot of points.... but i feel like in the end being LGBP is just a fascination with her, not an isolating yet seriously bizarre, profoundly human, and genuinely-colourful silo to be in. if i come back to UnA perhaps 1 day i'll write more; it has too much heart in it and suckerpunched my own tbh so. hopefully.


End file.
